REVIEW: Transformers 3

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Directed by: Michael Bay
Written by: Ehren Kruger
Starring:, Shia LaBeouf, Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley, Tyrese Gibson

There’s a scene in Michael Bay’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon that is one of the most visually provocative sequences ever put to screen. In it, Megatron marches to the Lincoln Memorial and blasts Abe to peices. He sits on his new throne while two smaller robots gnaw away at Lincoln’s severed head. This image serves as a haunting symbol of the fact that the entire human race will soon be enslaved, their freedom and dignity taken away from them. God, this movie sucked.

I could stand Megan Fox, John Turturro in a thong, and the takeover of the Smithsonian Air Museum with a couple of tasers. As bad as Revenge of the Fallen is, I can stand it. Even enjoy it. It’s a decent popcorn flick. That being said, I found it easier to eat popcorn during Precious than this cinematic train wreck.

The third installment in Paramount’s billion-dollar franchise finds Sam Witwicky in search of a job. He’s saved the world twice, been given a medal by the president, graduated from an Ivy League school, and dated really hot girls. Regardless, he still can’t get a job outside of the mail room. In the midst of this, he discovers that the malevolent Decepticons are out to take over the world again. The logistics and intricate details of their plan aren’t important. Just know that the plan involves an exhaustive barrage of slow motion, explosions, running, and screaming.

Michael Bay’s never really been known for his storytelling, but he can make movies flow at an even enough pace. This movie jumps around faster than a bunny rabbit on crack, explains nothing at all and assumes we care about characters who are about as interesting as bird droppings on a telephone pole. Appearances by the likes of Ken Jeong, Stephen Merchant, and John Malkovich aren’t as much welcomed as they are unnecessary and annoying. The humor present in previous installments, which at times was cringe-inducing, has all been vanished, replaced instead by an extremly morbid, depressing tone. It’s not even exciting.

To be fair, the movie is a technological wonderland. The CGI is effectively placed in the film, the sound design is excellent, and the 3D is actually worth the price. Shia LaBeouf is always fun to watch, and I was actually able to stand new girlfriend Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley.

Despite its achievements on the technological front, the movie is still a mess. The final, incredibly long battle to save the human race will leave you more exhausted than exhilarated. Oh, and the movie’s about 157 minutes too long.